Ghosts vs. Aliens (Extended Cut)

Ghosts vs. Aliens (Extended Cut)

Extended Scene from Episode 2: While Milton and David squabble, the rest of the crew have their own heated debate: Ghost or Alien? (Not the films. Not this time. Sorry.)

Voices: Charles Hubbell, Andrew Santoro, Lee Fillingsness, Ro Cornell, Janet Fogg, Kelsey Henry.

Cover art by Robert James Algeo.

Illustrated Transcripts for every episode and in-between are available to all Patreon members.

And here is the plain text transcript:

Ghosts vs. Aliens (Extended Cut)

Ambience: Mess Hall.

Distant laughter and chatting. Silverware and utensils clink. The voices gain clarity.

FYODOR: The guy and girl. They were getting… hot and heavy?

ARGUS: Fyodor.

FYODOR: –when a report came in over the space radio. (old radio voice) ‘A madman escaped from the local space asylum!’

Calloway laughs.

FYODOR: (old radio voice) ‘The one distinguishing feature is his one hook hand.’

Argus laughs.

FYODOR: The girl said, ‘Maybe we should stop.’ The guy said, ‘No, baby. It’s all good, I keep you real safe.’ So they start making out again. When suddenly–

SCREECH! Metal scrapes against metal.

Calloway yelps.

CALLOWAY: What’s that sound?! Was that you?

Fyodor holds up clinking metal scraps.

FYODOR: It is I, the hook-handed madman! And this is my hook hand!

CALLOWAY: It doesn’t look like a hand or a hook, it’s just limp scrap.

DAVID: Looks like you stole that from Roberta.

FYODOR: Then where is my hook hand! Everyone, look for the noise! It must be whoever stole my hook hand!

MILTON: Captain, please look closer at the facts. Fyodor is missing a hook hand, and the space asylum maniac recently acquired one…


ARGUS: Fyodor didn’t even have a hook hand until after the radio announced the space maniac had one.

Milton gets up from his seat.

MILTON: Which can only mean…

ARGUS: We’re looking at a copy cat space maniac.


Fyodor slams a fist on the table.

FYODOR: Me? You will never take alive.

Argus and Calloway laugh.

CALLOWAY: Okay. Is that right.

David gets up from his seat. Gathers dishes.

David and Milton retreat into the distance, in conversation.

MILTON: David, after you.

David sets dishes in a rack.

DAVID: Can I ask how it went today?

MILTON: I’m still assessing the damage.

David and Milton’s conversation remains in the background.

ARGUS: So was the original space maniac an alien or a ghost?

FYODOR: Or both!

CALLOWAY: He was a madman, he doesn’t have to be either. He could be a living human in a space asylum.

ARGUS: But that just begs the question of how he ended up in a space asylum this far out from Earth if he’s not at least an alien.

CALLOWAY: That line of thinking doesn’t lend credence to the assumption he has to be either.

ARGUS: Either one is much more probable than a living, displaced human.

FYODOR: Do they have to be aliens, as well? The guy, the girl, and the radio announcer. Not if you consider the guy, girl, and the radio announcer.

CALLOWAY: Exactly!

ARGUS: It depends on their position, doesn’t it. If they’re on a ship–

FYODOR: –A ship much like this one!

ARGUS: –then that doesn’t inform the state of the maniac at all. The maniac could still be a ghost or alien.

CALLOWAY: But there’s nothing that would suggest he was a ghost!

ARGUS: It’s less probable he’s alive than dead, if he escaped from a space asylum!

CALLOWAY: Are you suggesting, Argus, that based on his location alone, he is more likely a ghost, than a living human being?

ARGUS: Yes. How would he have got to the space asylum, and what kind of timeline would it take to see him escape and encounter a passing ship?

FYODOR: A ghost timeline! Probably!

CALLOWAY: So the maniac is a ghost because you don’t know enough of the backstory?

ARGUS: I’m saying he’s probably at least an alien, but even a ghost is more likely than just a common dude that ended up in an asylum run by aliens.

CALLOWAY: The asylum doesn’t have to be run by aliens, the only condition we know is that it’s in space–

FYODOR: Actually, the space asylum was abandoned after its head space lobotomist was murdered by his own space patients. In space.

Calloway laughs.

In the distance, Milton raises his voice loud enough to hear.

MILTON: Why would you record us talking? Do you not trust me? I thought you were concerned about the mission, not interrogating me!

DAVID: I am concerned about the mission.

MILTON: We’re a team, David! How long has this been going on?

DAVID: I haven’t–

MILTON: How paranoid are you that you record your conversations on an isolated ship with only four other people!

CALLOWAY: David? Are you really recording us?

Atmosphere fades out.