Bobby Two-Hands

Bobby Two-Hands

It’s Bobby Two-Hands.

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Cover art by Robert James Algeo.

Voices: Joe Cocozzello as Bobby Two-Hands; Rusty Diamond as Chris.

Content Note: Coughing.

Illustrated Transcripts for every episode and in-between are available to all Patreon members.

And here is the plain text transcript:

Bobby Two-Hands

Atmosphere: Cargo Bay ambience. The hum of the refrigeration units.

Cloth is gathered and torn repeatedly.

CHRIS: Oh, wow.

BOBBY TWO-HANDS: And that’s how I got the name Bobby Two-Hands!

CHRIS: Guess I never thought about it.


BOBBY TWO-HANDS: Remember that one night, probably–no yeah definitely the last time I stayed at David’s house?

CHRIS: My house.


BOBBY TWO-HANDS: Yeah. Yeah. But that night. Trevor and Zeke were over, too, and they found a sledgehammer in the middle of that horse lady’s field?

CHRIS: Someone smashed our mail box back in high school.


BOBBY TWO-HANDS: Yes! That was them, that was that night! We got back to David’s, and Trevor just, he just walked right into the dining room and swung at that stool! So David was freaking out, and I saw the stool, the pieces just popped out of place. It wasn’t smithereens, you know, but it was 3 am and David cleared us out, and I was supposed to be home anyway–But, but I told David, “David, it’s cool, you’ve got Bobby Two-Hands, gonna fix this stool right up,” And he had to corral Trevor and Zeke out of his room at that point–they still had the sledgehammer, so I’m left with the stool, I brought it into the kitchen to fix it, you know. And I didn’t know your Mom wakes up at 4:00 AM. I didn’t know she wakes up that early, so I hear singing, and I freeze! I hear your Mom singing show tunes at 4:00 AM, heading to the kitchen–and I’m supposed to be outta there, so I just, I was almost done with the stool, I didn’t want David to get in trouble–and they were still there with the sledgehammer, you know, so I just held the stool in place and sat under it. I moved the stool to the kitchen island, and I’m hiding under the thing keeping it held together, for sure know your Mom’s gonna notice me any second, but I’m just holding the stool, I’m just waiting for her to notice me so I can go, ‘Whoops, stool broke, don’t mind me,’ but she never does! So I stay hiding, maybe I can get out of this, she’s cooking breakfast, it’s taking forever, the stool’s shaking cuz I’ve been holding it over my head for an hour, and I realize: I’m the only place to sit in the kitchen, and your Mom puts a plate down on the kitchen counter right above my head, I hear her get silverware, and I go, oh god, she’s going to sit on this broken stool above my head, and I’ve been hiding too long to be found now, and I’ve been crouched here for so long, my legs are completely numb–too late, she walks over–She pulls the stool out, I just, I don’t resist, I move, but the last second, I realize, I can’t hold a stool any longer, I can’t hold up a whole person, so–I don’t resist when she pulls the stool out to sit, but she goes to sit and I THROW the stool across the room so she can’t sit on it–and she falls on her butt, and I just crawled–my legs were numb–I just crawled!–My legs were numb, so I army crawl as fast as I can into your room, remember? I’m crawling–on hands and feet, I’m starting to gallop at this point into your room so I wouldn’t get David in trouble, I don’t know why I thought that would help, and I just threw myself out your window, it’s like 5:00 AM now, you were playing video games and I just like horse gallop on my hands and legs through your room, out your window after accidentally doing that classic chair pulling gag to your mom, like I’ve elaborately planned this ridiculous stool event. You remember?


BOBBY TWO-HANDS: What!? Your Mom wore a wrist splint for like a month after that.

CHRIS: Oh! Remember that.

BOBBY TWO-HANDS: Yeah, I galloped through your room, man! That’s how come I didn’t know til school that Zeke threw the sledgehammer through your mailbox.

CHRIS: That was that night?

BOBBY TWO-HANDS: (Laughs) Yeah. It was.

CHRIS: Don’t bring this up to Jo Ann.

BOBBY TWO-HANDS: Hey. Ain’t no thing, Chris.

CHRIS: Wild. I can’t believe I don’t remember that. I must have been really good at that video game.


CHRIS: Can you pass me another one of them suits?

Bobby hands Chris a jumpsuit.

BOBBY TWO-HANDS: Sure thing, Chris.

Chris tears the suit.

Bobby coughs.

BOBBY TWO-HANDS: Do you think your brother’s going to get here soon?

CHRIS: God I hope so, it’s been so long!

BOBBY TWO-HANDS: Haha, yeah, I love that guy…I can’t stop thinking about him.